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So tonight I was meant to be going out for fun and games at Trailer Trash at the Brighton Komedia - a raging club night themed around various cult films. Tonight's event is inspired by the ever-awesome David Lynch, and I was planning to dress up as Twin Peaks' resident teen temptress, Miss Audrey Horne. She wears some super cure geek chic outfits (when she isn't out infiltrating clandestine brothels, that is), and the iconic quality of her wardrobe makes it ideal for fancy dress.

I had my outfit all picked out - great wig, checked skirt, tight little burgundy sweater. I don't really have an appropriate pair of black and white shoes, but my brogues looked great, and I figured I could make do. Plus, Audrey's make up is so distinctive that I decided it would be easy to channel the Horne, even if the costume itself wasn't exactly spot on. I was looking forward to drawing on a beauty spot, slipping on an Alice band, and pencilling in some dark, arched eyebrows.

Alas, however, my preparations have been in vain. I am way to ill to go - pretty much suffered an asthma attack and had to be hooked up to a nebuliser and pumped full of antibiotics - so I'll have to stay home whilst my Agent Cooper husband and his awesome friends live it up. Boo hoo! I guess it's just you and me tonight, Audrey, you bonkers sexpot ...